“Really? It sounds like you want the path paved and lined with lane markers and speed limits” 

“No I don’t” Kirabo said defensively 

“Were you not a member of a mains stream religion?” 

“Yes” 

“And is that not what main stream religions bring; a smooth surface, answers and guidelines?” 

“And your going to tell me that I expect it all laid out because that is what I have grown accustomed to?” 

“Like any other addiction, you need to feel good?” 

“Well the main stream religions do not have all the answers” Kirabo states matter of factly. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, they could not answer anything more then what was in the text books” 

“You brought your questions and experiences to the altar, so to speak?” 

“Yes” Kirabo said, “what are you getting at?” 

“What did they tell you?” 

Kirabo stood looking in the area of the voice, seeing nothing but a bush with a bird in it and answered, “They told me nothing, I had dreams, visions and feelings for years and they said nothing.  I presented the ‘knowledgeable’ with a two year journal of dreams and manifestations and they would not even read it, hell they would not even touch it.” 

“You sound angry” 

“Damned right I am angry” Kirabo yelled “this religion, the rock, does not have the inclination to help people with spirituality or guidance, but hell once I left and they were not getting their 10 percent, man they want to talk then.  ‘Hey dude,what happened, we haven’t seen your signature in a while’  “

“Did anyone say anything about what you showed them?” 

“One priest brushed it off as something between myself and Mary the Mother of Jesus, but that SOB didn’t even hear what I had to say, he was responding to my opening sentence did not even get to any of the experiences and he just blew me off.” Kirabo spoke quickly. 

“Anyone else?” 

“Sure another priest said he would make time to talk and he never did, just the same thing ‘give me a call, dude, and we’ll set an appointment.’” 

“What did you expect?” 

“I expected an answer” Kirabo said flatly still looking at that bird. 

“And what if they did not know” 

“Then why the hell couldn’t they say that?  ‘I don’t know’ is an answer sometimes the best answer. But no they just put if off.” 

“Sounds like you had a pretty high opinion of these men.” 

“I did not have anything that was not put there by the church.”  Kirabo answered, “These are the men we are supposed to confess our sins to. Our sins; our inner most thoughts and actions, prostrating ourselves in front of them, belittling ourselves, looking to them to forgive the sins.  Man they know how to throw out the penance for something we do wrong. But give them something like this and it is treated like the plague.  Worse than sin; sin they can handle well…give them the spriitual and it brings out the devil.” 

“So where are you now?” 

“Right now I am talking to a god damned bird!  Jesus, if I explained this esperience to a priest he would tell me it is between the bird and me.  Maybe the mother of the bird” Kirabo waved his hand around as he said this. 

“So then, and I repeat myself, what do you want” 

“I want an answer, when I search for something and ask, an ‘I don’t know would be OK’.  Jesus H. Christ, I could handle an ‘I don’t know’ from someone.  at least that is a starting point for a discussion.” 

“H? What does the H stand for?” 

“Hell, no wait not hell, I don’t know, see I even said it… I used ‘H’ because I did not want to use a sexually explicit adverb for the middle name.”  Kirabo said and thought “You’re not Jesus are you?” 

“Is that who you want me to be?” 

“It would be OK though I would prefer to speak with Mary” Kirabo admitted. 

“Why Mary?” 

“I feel a strong connection to her, maybe I just talk with women better” 

“Mary huh?” 

“Yeah, I met a priest many years ago, he was quite an individual, very pro life, into civil disobedience.  I was drawn to him because of his connection to Mary.  He had a sermon that was great, so uplifiting, he said that when he died and went to heaven, he wanted the job of sweeping Mary’s kitchen in heaven.”  Kirabo recalled,  “He said he wanted that job because he could imagine the conversations you could have with her across her kitchen table” 

“That would be good” 

“Yeah, last I heard he is in prison for blocking entrances to abortion clinics in Buffalo NY” 

“Punishment for civil disobedience.” 

“Yep” Kirabo answered “Agree with his stance or not, you have to respect someone who is out there doing the dirty work himself.  Taking the consequences of his actions and standing by his beliefs” 

“One person’s villain is another’s hero” 

“The way it goes” Kirabo agreed. 

“So where does that leave you?” 

“What do you mean? 

“Well it sounds like you have had many almost mystical experiences, met wonderful people, strong people with whom you agree and disagreed, but yet you say you have no answers” 

“What are the answers?” Kirabo questions 

“What are the questions?” 

“Who is god?”  Kirabo asked in desperation 

“And that would be man or woman?” 

“I really don’t care, man or woman, black white or red, brown, polka-dot” Kirabo said 

“If someone was to tell you Jesus was god what would you say?” 

“I am not sure,” Kirabo whispered, “the fear in me says I should believe it because of what I was told, because it is terrible and the consequences are extreme not to, but there is a voice deeper than that which says there is more to it”

“More to it then just Jesus being god?” 

“Yeah, has to be more because there are many prophets, many teachers, many of them saying the same things Jesus did.” Kirabo said. “so we have a pick of the litter on who is god?” 

“And if someone  was to say Mary was god what would you say” 

“My initial reaction is that of peace and well being but again it is fought with arguments on what I was taught” Kirabo shakes his head. “Of course most of the dreams and manifestations are of Mary, it is the connection that I have.  Maybe if these dreams or visions were of Jesus I would feel different.  But even the idea of Mary being god does not answered everything” 

“How could Mary be god?” 

“How could Jesus be god, how could god be god?” Kirabo’s response was more in a teaching question then a rhetorical question  “What to believe without answers!  If I call out and say ‘God I need an answer’ expecting to hear a man’s voice or a paternal response and hear nothing then why could it not be anyone or any other belief or god is no one and there is notthing to believe.” 

“What?” 

Kirabo took a deep breath; his eyes moved quickly from bush to sky “If I am to believe what I was taught I am going on some else’s say so, starting from my parents then the teachers and the priests, the readings in the Bible, the catechism.  But I have no concrete evidence, nothing personally has happened to me to back up all of those words. I am told to believe words that tell us that god is male and this male persona answers prayers and this male god is everywhere.   My own personal experience leads me to something different.  My own experiences deals with the female nature, the female characteristics of a creator, and the nurturing feel to this planet.  I have not experienced what has been defined to me as a paternal presence in my life but I have felt a maternal presence..” 

“Then what is the problem” 

“What if they are right?” Kirabo answered 

“What if they are wrong?” 

Kirabo did not answer. He continued to look at the sky; he started to say something but was interrupted. 

“What is the greatest commandment?” 

Kirabo answered, “What others say is the greatest commandment or what I say is the greatest commandment?” 

“What is the greatest commandment?” 

“Seek and you shall find!” Kirabo answered firmly. 

“Why is that the greatest commandment?” 

“Without seeking how would you recognize the truth?” 

“And then what do you want?” 

Kirabo repeated, “I want the truth” 

“Are you so sure that you don’t have it?” 

“What?” 

“Your fear causes you not to hear.  With a problem like that your search is endless!” 

“So you are telling me I have the truth” Kirabo questioned 

“Is that what I am telling you?  Is it I that is leading the way?  Did I tell you to seek?” 

“What if I am wrong?”  Kirabo responded. 

“What if you are right?” 

“Is this the answer for everyone?” Kirabo asks 

“Are their questions the same?

So what are you so upset about

I dunno

Has to be something

Well I got a response from a response I sent out on e-mail last night. Seems I upset a family member. I didn’t mean to but my response was due to I was tired of getting a limited point of view from someone.

Did you say something wrong?

Not that I am aware of but the person responded saying that she would not be sending me and my wife anything any more e-mails.

And that bothers you?

Not that she is not sending me anything but that she took it so personally; I really did not mean to upset her.

What did you mean to do?

I meant for her to stop being one sided

Or

I didn’t want to hear any of the one sided e-mails

So you got your wish.

What?

She is not sending you any more e-mails

Seems kind of drastic to me

But it is your wish.

I wanted the one sided political e-mails to stop not all the e-mails

Did you ever tell her that?

No I did not want to cause a problem

Which is exactly what your response did.

I caused this problem?

What would have happened if you did not respond?

I would have kept getting a bunch of e-mails I did not want.

And what you have now is better?

NO, but I did apologize if I insulted her

Has she responded?

Not yet

Is this the first time?

“No but I love to see it”

Do you look for it?

Sometimes

And do you always see it?

No

So would you see it if you did not look for it?

“Probably because I am always surprised when I see it”

But you keep looking anyway?

I want to see it

Even though you know you could see it if you don’t look for it?

Yes

Do you think you would miss something by looking for only one thing?

Don’t think so…

So what you are looking for is all there is?

No, it is the thing I want to see.

But aren’t there other things to see?

Sure

But they are not worth seeing?

Might be for someone

But not you?

No

Have you always looked for it?

No there were other things I looked for

Then when did you start looking for this?

When it just happened to be there.

“It’s a long way to go”

Where are you going?

“Well I thought I would just walk to town” Ken answered.

Is that the best way to get there?

“I am not sure but I just feel like walking”

How far is it?

“It does not matter I feel like walking”

What happens if you change your mind before you get there?

“I’ll come back.”

But you could be more than half way there

“Yep, I could be almost there and just turn back”

And that is OK?

“I feel like walking!”

“Well would just walking around the block do the same thing?

“That has no direction” Ken said firmly

And you think you do?

“I am going to town”

And that is it?

“Does there need to be more?”

So the thought of a destination is all it takes

“At this moment”

What will you do when you get there?

“Turn around and come back” Ken smiled

So you are already at your destination

“Not yet”

Two men talking and talking and talking…

“Why do they do that’ Ken asked out loud.

Do what?

“Constantly give opinions”

About you?

“No just opinions, isn’t anyone quiet any more?  It’s as if we have all become breathing editorials”

Why is that a problem?

“We seem to be talking past our thoughts.  As if we must talk even before we think it.”

Why is that wrong?

“I am not interested in what they have to say” Ken said firmly.

What if that really is the way they think?

“They should do it quietly”

Like you are doing?

Three women walked by quickly staring at Ken

“This is different” Ken insisted

How?

“Because I am talking to you”

In what way does that make it different?

“Because of who you are?”

Who am I?

“Come on, do you think they are talking to God or Spirit?”

Actually I do.

What are you doing?

“Looking up something” Ken answered

For what?

“To dazzle and delight others with my knowledge”

What do you find so interesting that you need to spend all this time looking something up?

“I want to be ready for a discussion”

You know this ‘discussion’ is going to happen?

“No”

Is it a continuation of an earlier ‘discussion’?

“No”

Then how do you know all this work is necessary?

“Just in case” Ken said

Do you not spend enough time thinking about things that will never happen?

“Yes that is one of my concerns…letting my thoughts go wild”

This is better?

“It is constructive”

Constructive?, getting ready for a discussion with ghosts and gremlins?

“Is that not what I am doing now” Ken responded

Do you not know we are going to talk?

“Yes”

Do you prepare for these talks?

“No, I am never sure what we will talk about”

So you are writing a script?

“What”

This ‘discussion’ that you are preparing for is going to play out the way you imagine it?

“Well…no” Ken admitted.

What color is your world?

“Many colors”

Yet you add to it with only one shade

“Seems someone is always expecting me to live up to something”

Like what

“Well most recently, for example, is career; there are going to be major changes in what I do for a living.”

A living, don’t you breathe for a living?

Ken shook his head…”What I do with my life”

This need for change, your choice or someone else’s?

“A bit of both, but does it really matter?  Ken asked

Only for a starting point

What?

How it started; each journey begins with a single step…why was the first step made. Once you make that first step it does not matter

“So a change in career is only important at the point of change”

Important is over dramatic, the best choice is to do the things you love, the worst choice is to do something for money

“So, this change, for whatever the cause, is going to happen yet many people express an expectation when I tell them my choice.” Ken continued

And?

“Whenever I expressed this desire in the past I was always hit with ‘Can’t make a living like that!’  And nothing has changed I still hear the same thing.  People that should know better, people that do what they love still express the same expectation.”

And?

Ken pointed to his face…

I know, you are not charging for that dumb look.  Are these people making you do something you don’t want?

“No”

Are they supporting you and expecting something in return?

“No”

So they are expressing an opinion!

“Yes”

And it differs from your opinion

“Yes”

But all is opinion?

“Yes”

Then their opinion changes your mind

“No”

Why does it bother you?

“What I do from here is very important to me, I would like a little support” Ken said.

Their opinion may be showing concern

“I believe their opinion shows control, wanting me to fit into some predefined role”

But it is an opinion just the same

“Yes”

Why include them in your choice?

“What?”

Why not just talk with people you know will support your choice?

“The decision I’ve made is to do something I’ve loved from the time I was a child”

And what does that mean to the people you share this with?

“I don’t know what it means to them, but it means the world to me” Ken said.

What are you doing?

“Writing” Ken responded

Why?

“Felt like it”

And that is the only reason?

“It’s the most important reason”

Why?

“Writing is not always easy so when I feel like writing I just do it.  Nothing easier than writing when I feel like it”

What are you writing about?

“Me”

You write about yourself?

“That is the best subject”

Why

“No research, all the emotions, facts successes and failures are right here” Ken said pointing to his head.

So you would rather write about yourself than anything else.

“Not necessarily, you asked me what I was witting about now”

What would you rather be writing about?

“You!”  Ken said quickly

Why?

“I want to find out more about you”

And that knowledge would lead to?

“Who you are!”

Who do you want me to be?

“I want to know who you are not what I define you as.”  Ken insisted

Is there really a difference?

“You are not answering the question!”

The question has been answered.

“I really dislike doing this”

Why do you do it?

“Need to make money” Ken answered

You have to do something you don’t like to make money?

“Well some people win the lottery.”

Money must be really important if you’re willing do something you don’t like to get it.

“It comes in handy” said Ken

Does everyone dislike what they do?

“No, there are some who do what they like”

How did they get to that point?

“I guess they just found what they liked and kept working at it”

Someone can enjoy their work?

“Sure” Ken agreed

Do you enjoy your money?

“If I could keep it”

Keeping money would make you happy?

“No, I want to spend it on things that makes me happy”

So you are spending it on things that you don’t want!

“I spend it on things I need more than want”

Like?

“The mortgage for my home”

You don’t want your home?

“Of course I do” Ken answered.

Oh, you don’t like your home

“MY HOME IS FINE!”

What else do you spend money on?

“Food!”

You don’t want to eat?

“That is a silly question”

So what is the problem with money?

“The problem is with work”

Why do you do it if there is a problem with it?

“We’ve just been talking about why”

We’ve been talking about attitude

“What new thing can I do today?” Ken asked

What do you mean by new?

“Something I’ve not done or thought of before”

Why do you need to do something new?

“Just feels good”

So once it’s found what do you do with it?

“Feel good, look for something else” Ken responded.

Thought you said it would be great to find something

“It is”

If it is so great why do you keep looking?

“What?  It feels good to find something!”

Are you saving what you already found for later?

“OK, where are you going with this?”

When you find what feels good, does that feeling wear out?

“No” Ken said slightly agitated.

But yet you keep looking.

“What’s wrong with looking?”

The issue seems to be in the finding.