“I want to make some sense of it all” Kirabo says.
“Really? It sounds like you want the path paved and lined with lane markers and speed limits”
“No I don’t” Kirabo said defensively
“Were you not a member of a mains stream religion?”
“Yes”
“And is that not what main stream religions bring; a smooth surface, answers and guidelines?”
“And your going to tell me that I expect it all laid out because that is what I have grown accustomed to?”
“Like any other addiction, you need to feel good?”
“Well the main stream religions do not have all the answers” Kirabo states matter of factly.
“Really?”
“Yes, they could not answer anything more then what was in the text books”
“You brought your questions and experiences to the altar, so to speak?”
“Yes” Kirabo said, “what are you getting at?”
“What did they tell you?”
Kirabo stood looking in the area of the voice, seeing nothing but a bush with a bird in it and answered, “They told me nothing, I had dreams, visions and feelings for years and they said nothing. I presented the ‘knowledgeable’ with a two year journal of dreams and manifestations and they would not even read it, hell they would not even touch it.”
“You sound angry”
“Damned right I am angry” Kirabo yelled “this religion, the rock, does not have the inclination to help people with spirituality or guidance, but hell once I left and they were not getting their 10 percent, man they want to talk then. ‘Hey dude,what happened, we haven’t seen your signature in a while’ “
“Did anyone say anything about what you showed them?”
“One priest brushed it off as something between myself and Mary the Mother of Jesus, but that SOB didn’t even hear what I had to say, he was responding to my opening sentence did not even get to any of the experiences and he just blew me off.” Kirabo spoke quickly.
“Anyone else?”
“Sure another priest said he would make time to talk and he never did, just the same thing ‘give me a call, dude, and we’ll set an appointment.’”
“What did you expect?”
“I expected an answer” Kirabo said flatly still looking at that bird.
“And what if they did not know”
“Then why the hell couldn’t they say that? ‘I don’t know’ is an answer sometimes the best answer. But no they just put if off.”
“Sounds like you had a pretty high opinion of these men.”
“I did not have anything that was not put there by the church.” Kirabo answered, “These are the men we are supposed to confess our sins to. Our sins; our inner most thoughts and actions, prostrating ourselves in front of them, belittling ourselves, looking to them to forgive the sins. Man they know how to throw out the penance for something we do wrong. But give them something like this and it is treated like the plague. Worse than sin; sin they can handle well…give them the spriitual and it brings out the devil.”
“So where are you now?”
“Right now I am talking to a god damned bird! Jesus, if I explained this esperience to a priest he would tell me it is between the bird and me. Maybe the mother of the bird” Kirabo waved his hand around as he said this.
“So then, and I repeat myself, what do you want”
“I want an answer, when I search for something and ask, an ‘I don’t know would be OK’. Jesus H. Christ, I could handle an ‘I don’t know’ from someone. at least that is a starting point for a discussion.”
“H? What does the H stand for?”
“Hell, no wait not hell, I don’t know, see I even said it… I used ‘H’ because I did not want to use a sexually explicit adverb for the middle name.” Kirabo said and thought “You’re not Jesus are you?”
“Is that who you want me to be?”
“It would be OK though I would prefer to speak with Mary” Kirabo admitted.
“Why Mary?”
“I feel a strong connection to her, maybe I just talk with women better”
“Mary huh?”
“Yeah, I met a priest many years ago, he was quite an individual, very pro life, into civil disobedience. I was drawn to him because of his connection to Mary. He had a sermon that was great, so uplifiting, he said that when he died and went to heaven, he wanted the job of sweeping Mary’s kitchen in heaven.” Kirabo recalled, “He said he wanted that job because he could imagine the conversations you could have with her across her kitchen table”
“That would be good”
“Yeah, last I heard he is in prison for blocking entrances to abortion clinics in Buffalo NY”
“Punishment for civil disobedience.”
“Yep” Kirabo answered “Agree with his stance or not, you have to respect someone who is out there doing the dirty work himself. Taking the consequences of his actions and standing by his beliefs”
“One person’s villain is another’s hero”
“The way it goes” Kirabo agreed.
“So where does that leave you?”
“What do you mean?
“Well it sounds like you have had many almost mystical experiences, met wonderful people, strong people with whom you agree and disagreed, but yet you say you have no answers”
“What are the answers?” Kirabo questions
“What are the questions?”
“Who is god?” Kirabo asked in desperation
“And that would be man or woman?”
“I really don’t care, man or woman, black white or red, brown, polka-dot” Kirabo said
“If someone was to tell you Jesus was god what would you say?”
“I am not sure,” Kirabo whispered, “the fear in me says I should believe it because of what I was told, because it is terrible and the consequences are extreme not to, but there is a voice deeper than that which says there is more to it”
“More to it then just Jesus being god?”
“Yeah, has to be more because there are many prophets, many teachers, many of them saying the same things Jesus did.” Kirabo said. “so we have a pick of the litter on who is god?”
“And if someone was to say Mary was god what would you say”
“My initial reaction is that of peace and well being but again it is fought with arguments on what I was taught” Kirabo shakes his head. “Of course most of the dreams and manifestations are of Mary, it is the connection that I have. Maybe if these dreams or visions were of Jesus I would feel different. But even the idea of Mary being god does not answered everything”
“How could Mary be god?”
“How could Jesus be god, how could god be god?” Kirabo’s response was more in a teaching question then a rhetorical question “What to believe without answers! If I call out and say ‘God I need an answer’ expecting to hear a man’s voice or a paternal response and hear nothing then why could it not be anyone or any other belief or god is no one and there is notthing to believe.”
“What?”
Kirabo took a deep breath; his eyes moved quickly from bush to sky “If I am to believe what I was taught I am going on some else’s say so, starting from my parents then the teachers and the priests, the readings in the Bible, the catechism. But I have no concrete evidence, nothing personally has happened to me to back up all of those words. I am told to believe words that tell us that god is male and this male persona answers prayers and this male god is everywhere. My own personal experience leads me to something different. My own experiences deals with the female nature, the female characteristics of a creator, and the nurturing feel to this planet. I have not experienced what has been defined to me as a paternal presence in my life but I have felt a maternal presence..”
“Then what is the problem”
“What if they are right?” Kirabo answered
“What if they are wrong?”
Kirabo did not answer. He continued to look at the sky; he started to say something but was interrupted.
“What is the greatest commandment?”
Kirabo answered, “What others say is the greatest commandment or what I say is the greatest commandment?”
“What is the greatest commandment?”
“Seek and you shall find!” Kirabo answered firmly.
“Why is that the greatest commandment?”
“Without seeking how would you recognize the truth?”
“And then what do you want?”
Kirabo repeated, “I want the truth”
“Are you so sure that you don’t have it?”
“What?”
“Your fear causes you not to hear. With a problem like that your search is endless!”
“So you are telling me I have the truth” Kirabo questioned
“Is that what I am telling you? Is it I that is leading the way? Did I tell you to seek?”
“What if I am wrong?” Kirabo responded.
“What if you are right?”
“Is this the answer for everyone?” Kirabo asks
“Are their questions the same?
